Monday’s Top Ten

—Happy birthday to Kurt Russell, who turns 57 today. The actor and father of Kate Hudson may be best known for his action roles in the Escape movies, but he came back last year with a vengeance as a murderous stuntman in Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof.

—Happy St. Patrick’s Day — that is, unless you’re in Ireland, where political leaders have called for alcohol restraint throughout the day. Ninety percent of Ireland’s population, already hammered by noon, was unaware today was a holiday.

—Ashley Dupre, Eliot Spitzer’s now infamous call girl, stands to make up to $5 million in various endorsement deals and movie (?) contracts resulting from the affair. Talk about going down to go up.

—In other rich-by-association news, Heather Mills — ex-fiancee of Paul McCartney — took $48.6 million from Sir Paul in their ongoing divorce settlement. But hey, Paul’s still got American Idol’s Beatles Week Part 2 to cheer him up!

—In movies, Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who! took in just over $45 million in its first weekend, finally answering that age-old question: it is more profitable to divorce Paul McCartney than to make an animated movie.

—Elton John has announced that he will play Radio City Music Hall on April 9th to raise money for politician Hillary Clinton. The concert will be called “Elton and Hillary: One Night Only” — also the name of the sex tape to be sold at the event.

—Speaking of sex tapes, Paris Hilton has landed a reality show — MTV’s My New BFF, in which contestants will compete to become Hilton’s best friend. My money’s on the Taco Bell chihuahua.

—Steve-O of Jackass has checked into a psychiatric ward and has written a lengthy note apologizing for his drug use that “did damage to my brain.” Also doing damage to his brain: this. And this. And maybe even this.

—In sports, the NCAA March Madness bracket is up, marking the one annual opportunity when entering a pool with your coworkers is entirely acceptable — unless you’re on The Real World, of course. This year’s top seeds are UNC, Kansas, Memphis and UCLA.

—And in other March Madness news, ABC’s Dancing with the Stars returns this week — boasting “big” names like Steven Guttenberg and Adam Carolla. For a better time, however, check out Lifetime’s oft-incestuous Your Momma Don’t Dance.

Wednesday’s Top Ten

—Happy birthday to Chelsea Clinton, who turns 28 today. That’s just old enough to be manipulated for political purposes!

—Mischa Barton now faces four misdemeanors for drunk driving and weed possession. She shoulda never gotten involved with that Volchock.

—In surreal estate news, Michael Jackson will lose the Neverland Ranch if he doesn’t cough up $25 mill in a few days — in which case the property will go to the highest bidder. No word on whether that includes the carnival rides, Bubbles the chimp, or the Silence of the Lambs-style kiddie pit.

—Speaking of boys, the Top Ten guys on American Idol hit the stage last night for a night of ’70s hits. The standout was David Archuleta, who sang a sugary version of John Lennon’s “Imagine.” Randy called it perhaps the show’s greatest performance ever (because hyperbole equals ratings). Tonight the chicks sing the ’70s.

—Maxim magazine has started giving albums reviews without actually listening to the CD. Both the Black Crowes and Nas have received 2.5 star reviews, based entirely on “educated guesses.” We think it’s more than a stretch to assume Maxim editors are “educated.”

—Warner Bros. might be giving Perez Hilton a record label because of his pop culture influence. I think it’ll tank within a year, but that’s just an educated guess.

—Madonna’s new CD, set for release on April 28th, will be called Hard Candy. It’s first single is “Four Minutes,” co-written by Justin Timberlake. Just for the record, that album title has already been used by the Counting Crows.

—In other diva news, Mariah Carey has a brand new video for the single “Touch My Body.” We mentioned the song last week, but the vid’s better: it stars 30 Rock’s Jack McBrayer as Mariah’s less-than-ideal love interest.

—On this week’s Flavor of Love 3, Flav has his top twelve girls create a restaurant in his name. He gets mad at one of the teams for mispelling his name, using “Flava” instead of “Flavor.” I guess the show’s contestants — especially Myammee and Grayvee — should have known that proper spelling is extremely important to him.

—And we gave face time to Sarah Silverman, so why not Kimmel?

Tuesday’s Top Ten

—Happy birthday to Erykah Badu, who turns 37 today. To celebrate this year, the Grammy-winning soul singer is releasing her fourth album — New Amerykah, Pt. 1 (4th World War) — today.

—Usher has a new single, and it’s gonna be a huge hit. It’s called “Love in the Club” (listen here), and its about, well, making love in the club — which violates so many health codes that even Lil’ Jon is concerned. (BTW, if you recognize the song’s chord progression, that’s because it’s matches the pattern from Alicia Key’s “No One” to a tee.)

—In May of next year, Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins will open with a brand-new star: Christian Bale. Is it just me, or is Chris taking more and more roles where he has to speak less and less?

—In other sure-to-be-huge movie news, Matt Damon has signed on for a fourth Bourne film in light of the third’s success at Sunday’s Academy Awards. Paul Greengrass is set to direct again as well.

—Quarterlife, the new NBC drama about twentysomethings, premiers tonight at 10 and also at 4:30 on MTV. It’s about seven strangers…picked to live in a house…who have their lives taped…to find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real. (I think.)

—Speaking of The Real World, the 21st season might be coming to Washington, D.C. That will make the seven cast members the city’s wildest, most sex-crazed individuals besides anyone working in politics.

—So Diablo Cody didn’t wear those $1.1 million shoes at the Oscars because she realized she was being used for “free publicity.” (Evidently, she’ll only degrade herself by taking shiny things off her body, not putting them on.) She was quoted as saying this on the subject:

“I’m sorry if I sound like a party-pooper, but Jeebus.”

When did Juno start writing Diablo Cody’s lines?

—Yesterday, tonight and Thursday are Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood’s three charity concerts at Madison Square Garden in New York. I caught the first one last night (review to come), and the two rock all-stars — who haven’t played a full set together in almost four decades — took to each other’s stylings like second nature.

—On yesterday’s The View, Whoopi Goldberg got sad and almost cried because she wasn’t included in Sunday night’s Oscar montage of past hosts. Barbara Walters, in turn, became sad that she wasn’t included in the Oscar montage of dinosaurs.

—And in uterus news, Angelina Jolie is indeed pregnant. This will be her 89th child and will be used purely as live fodder to keep the other ones alive.

Friday’s Top Ten

—Happy birthday to Drew Barrymore, who turns 33 today. Currently, Drew can be found gracing the cover of Vogue. She also gives advice to young Hollywood in the accompanying article, which explains that Drew started drinking at 9, smoking weed at 10 and snorting cocaine at 13. She’s since become sober, but that must have been one crazy Communion.

—This Sunday is the Oscars! And unless the Academy goes vote-for-Crash crazy, we’re looking at a potentially predictable night of awards. That said, the strike ended just in time to give us stars, speeches, celebration sans sobriety and even Jon Stewart — as the Comedy Central funnyman who puts the “pun” in pundit returns for his second chance to make people more famous than him giggle. WHAP’s analysis thus far is here; more to come before Sunday night.

—In the latest issue of Harp magazine, Dave Grohl jokes that he’s hanging up the guitar for a presidential bid. But I saw him last night with Foo in Philadelphia (review pending) — and nothing should keep this guy from the rock stage.

—This weekend’s box office battle has four contenders: Be Kind Rewind (Jack Black and Mos Def); Witless Protection (Larry the Cable Guy); Charlie Bartlett (Anton Yelchin) and Vantage Point (anyone else who acts). Early estimates predict victory for Vantage Point, but I wouldn’t count out another dominant weekend for Jumper.

—Last night’s American Idol had the show’s first four casualties: Amy Davis, Joanne Borgella, Garrett Haley and Colton Berry. (No, they don’t warrant bold print.) Davis, the most career-conscious of the rejects, immediately went to Maxim for some bikini pics and a “hottie-ography.”

—Last night, Aaron Carter was arrested for pot possession in Texas.

—Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins this morning — one baby boy, one baby girl. She’ll make an estimated $6 mill for exclusive pics of the kids — though Michael Jackson offered to double that.

—The brand-new cast of Dancing with the Stars has been announced; among the competitors are Adam Corolla, Shannon Elizabeth and R&B singer Mario. My money’s on Mario, who dances for a living.

—Earlier this week, Mensa put out a list of the Top Ten Smartest TV Shows. Included are: Frasier, Mad About You and Boston Legal. Mensa might want to watch some tapes of strategy on The Gauntlet and consider a revote…

—And congratulations, fact-checkers, Will Smith did not actually say that Hitler was a “good person.” That was Dick Cheney.

Thursday’s Top Ten

—Happy birthday to Ellen Page, who turns 21 today. We hope she gets blasted and makes some terrible decisions — though none involving Jason Bateman.

—Aretha Franklin has been voted “Worst Dressed” by PETA for her flagrant disregard of animal welfare. Her biggest offenses include the Grammy outfit seen here — which PETA calls a “vulgar fur.” More surprising: Aretha ate that entire bear.

—NBC’s Bionic Woman has been cancelled in just its first season. Bionic Woman’s kryptonite, evidently, is ratings.

—Playboy Magazine (great articles) is set to launch the Playboy Energy Drink, meant to compete with Red Bull and Monster and all the other liquids that exponentially decrease your chance of living past 50. Initial reports say the drink will help you stay up longer, though we’re not sure if that means “awake.”

—Jesse L. Martin (Law & Order, Rent) is leaving Law & Order to pursue bigger and better things — including a part as Marvin Gaye in the upcoming Sexual Healing. His replacement will be Anthony Anderson (really?), who in past roles as a detective has proved remarkably incapable at tracking even a kangaroo.

—On Tuesday’s The View, Whoopi Goldberg asked New York Giant Amani Toomer what it was like to make that “helmet catch” during the Super Bowl. Yeah, Whoop, that was David Tyree. Toomer then asked Whoopi what it was like to star on The Addams Family — but that was Cousin It.

—Spencer and Heidi of The Hills are set to release a video game around Christmas 2009. It will be rated “N” for No One.

—Tina Fey hosts the first post-strike episode of SNL this weekend. Expect a show three times as long as 30 Rock with one-third as many laughs.

—Mariah Carey has leaked the first single off her album That Chick. It’s called “Touch My Body.”

—And in politics, John McCain might have carried on an adulterous affair for years with a female lobbyist more than thirty years his junior. This surprises us here at WHAP, but it does explain McCain’s brand new campaign slogan: “Touch My Body.”

Wednesday’s Top Ten

—Happy birthday to Rihanna, who turns 20 today and celebrates her golden birthday. She was perhaps the breakout music star of 2007, racking up huge record sales due to hits like “Umbrella,” “Shut Up And Drive” and “Hate That I Love You.” And at last week’s Grammies, she won her first golden record and turned out a funky mash-up of her biggest hit with The Time. Tonight she’ll perform it again at the Brit Awards with the Klaxons.

—So last night was the first American Idol out of Hollywood, and the top twelve guys took the stage to sing the songs of the ’60s. For the group Simon is pushing as the “best ever,” we endured some god awful performances — among them the pitiful Elvis impersonation from Danny “Is-that-the-same-Danny-from-Tila-Tequila?” Noriega. (Video here.)

—I know what can save the industry: Kidz Bop 13! The latest installment to the Kidz Bop franchise features children shouting along to hits like “Party Like A Rockstar,” “1234″ and even “Beautiful Girls” (choice lyric: They say we’re too young/To get ourselves sprung.)

—In other music news, devoted Michael Jackson fans bought 166,000 copies of the 25th anniversary edition of Thriller. Jackson plans to spend all the money on copies of Kidz Bop 13.

—Get excited…tonight marks the last total lunar eclipse until 2010. To put things in perspective, Jack Horkheimer — host of PBS’s Star Gazer — calls it the “lord of the rings and heart of the lion eclipse.” Translation: this kind of thing is even more rare than him getting laid.

—Kirstie Alley has lost her deal with Jenny Craig because she is reportedly too fat. She plans to start her own weight loss regime in the near future.

—Tonight, the U.S. military might shoot down an “errant spy satellite” that is careening towards Earth as we speak. Official reports say the military thought it eliminated the satellite yesterday, but the giant, out-of-control mass they were shooting at turned out to be Kirstie Alley.

—Some dude named Paul Mawhinney is currently trying to auction off the “greatest music collection in history” — more than 3 million records and 300,000 CDs that add up to nearly 6 million songs. The current asking price is $3 million, which would finally finance Paul’s move out of his mother’s basement.

—Rumors are spreading (among other things) about Paris Hilton’s new lesbian sex tape (The Hottie and the Hottie, anyone?). This is perhaps the most excited I’ve ever been about sex tapes.

—Rumors are confirmed, meanwhile, about KISS frontman Gene Simmon’s new sex tape. This is definitely the least excited I’ve ever been about sex tapes.

Monday’s Top Ten

—First, Happy Presidents’ Day — the official holiday honoring the birthdays of George Washington and Abe Lincoln, our two finest presidents. George Bush comes in a close third.

—Happy birthday to Dr. Dre, who turns 43 today. We payed homage to The Chronic over the weekend, Dre’s early nineties rap masterpiece that changed the rap game forever. To be fair, however, it seems that the album’s titular drug has had a profound effect on Dre’s productivity; he’s yet to release a proper third album and it’s been more than 15 years. It took Kanye three and a half.

—Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell will take over the three-part lead role in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, the film Heath Ledger was filming when he passed away last month. That three actors of such universal acclaim would sign on to the project is a true testament to the respect that Heath garnered in Hollywood.

—David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, the two men behind Will & Grace, will produce a pilot for ABC about two friends — one gay, one straight — who find love at the same time. ABC expects the show to save its depressing comedic résumé, which has seen shows like Carpoolers and Cavemen in the last year. But coming from the Will & Grace guys in one of the hardest times to break a new sitcom, I’d expect quick dialogue and quicker cancellation.

—This is kind of old news, but Jane Fonda said “c*nt” during an interview with the Today Show’s Meredith Vieira last week (video and subsequent apology here). The obscenity is surprising enough, but more surprising is that Fonda didn’t use the word in reference to Vieira. (Too harsh?)

—Hey, did The 40 Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up leave you unconvinced that Seth Rogen loves weed? Then check out the trailer for Pineapple Express, the latest star vehicle for WHAP’s least favorite leading man. That said, the movie looks pretty hilarious, including an unexpected pothead turn from James Franco (remember his cameo in Knocked Up?) and a possibly gay supporting role for Craig Robinson (Darryl from The Office).

—In other James Franco news, there’s talk of a nude love scene between him and Sean Penn in the upcoming Milk, the biography of a 1970s gay rights activist. Between this and Pineapple Express, Franco will be emulating the old Sean Penn and making love to the current Sean Penn in the same year.

—Flo Rida (the “Low” dude) has a brand new single called “Elevator,” produced by Timbaland. I’m usually a huge fan of Timbo’s work, but this sounds way too lackluster to even touch the success of “Low.” And way too many get up/go down double entendres.

—Jumper, starring Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen, rocked the box office this weekend, taking in more than $27 million and beating up Step Up 2 and The Spiderwick Chronicles. So despite my hesitance to embrace Christensen as an actual actor, he remains our generation’s most bankable movie star by far.

—Heidi Klum told ABC News that she’d open up her home to Britney Spears while the young starlet tries to get her life back on track. Hey Heidi, we here at WHAP are pretty fucked up too…so we’ll move in, say, Wednesday?

Monday’s Top Ten

–Happy birthday to Sheryl Crow, who turns 45 today. The singer/songwriter released Detours, her critically-acclaimed sixth album, last week. Check out the single here. 

–Today is Dr. Phil’s 1,000 episode, and Oprah is stopping by to celebrate in style.

–Last week, Woody Allen released this creepy fatherly letter to Scarlett Johannson, urging her not to go the “Page Six party route” and to be more like Meryl Streep. Yet again, Allen proves incapable of hiding his ScarJo woody.

–In other Johannson news, the actress might be engaged to Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds (of the upcoming Definitely, Maybe). Who wears the pants in that relationship? Not sure, but no one wears the shirt.

–Transformers won big last night at the Visual Effects Society Awards. By my count, though, Transformers’ special effects are a distant second from the best thing to look at in the film.

–Hey, Paula Abdul, you haven’t done anything ridiculous or blatantly booze-induced in awhile. Wait, you said what to the L.A. Times in support of Hillary Clinton?

You know I would love to see a woman [president]. You know, it’ll change the world, having a female president…Women have the ability to take over when there’s major crisis and breakdown and a woman has the ability to think on a whole different perspective. From a heart place that is different.

For evidence of Paula’s ability to take over in a crisis, head here.

–Snoop Dogg’s latest album, titled Ego Trippin’, has been moved from a May release to a debut date of March 11. Drop it like it’s hot, I guess.

–In sports, one pitcher’s got a big butt because it’s swollen from steroids injection. That’s right: Roger Clemens is all the more likely to have doped because his wife has been accused of taking human growth hormone. Worse yet, Clemens pressured her to do so.

–The BAFTAs were last night, and Atonement took home the prize for Best Film. The winners for acting were Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Javier Bardem and Tilda Swinton.

–And in politics, Barack Obama swept all four Democratic primaries this weeked: Nebraska, Washington, Louisiana and Maine. He also won a Grammy last night for Best Spoken Word Album — beating out former president Bill Clinton in the process. Hillary, however, still has a shot at the Best Post-Primary Performance Oscar for her tears in South Carolina.

Friday’s Top Ten

—Happy birthday to Gary Coleman, who turns 40 today but looks eight. You know him best from his role on Diff’rent Strokes, where he played the adopted son of a rich white widower. He also ran for the governor of California back in 2003, placing eighth put ultimately losing to a man who could eat him.

—Today’s big movie release is Fool’s Gold, the first onscreen pairing of Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson since 2003’s How to Lose Your Acting Reputation a Guy in Ten Days. Fool’s Gold doesn’t look much better, and you know your movie is in trouble when one of its biggest taglines is “…from the guy who directed Hitch.”

—A new study links cell phone usage to a lowered sperm count in men. That makes phone sex a double whammy…

—There are two big awards shows this Sunday night, one for music and one for movies. The first is The Grammies (noms here); continued WHAP analysis and live coverage to come. The second is The BAFTA Awards (noms here), where Atonement leads the pack with 12 nominations.

—In other Grammy news, Amy Winehouse will perform after all at the ceremony — just live via satellite from London.

—A gigantic list of peformers has been announced for 2008’s South by Southwest Music & Film Festival, and the biggest name by far is R.E.M. WHAP is least excited about the appearance of Ryan Cabrera, who has been on the way down ever since he released the single of the same name.

—Timbaland is making the first “mobile album” in history, meaning that Verizon subscribers can download one song a month throughout 2008. Guests on the disc will include OneRepublic, Taylor Swift (?) and Paramore. We can only hope for a “Can You Hear Me Now?” remix of some sort.

—Cher has confirmed rumors that she dated Tom Cruise in the 80s — back when she was in her 80s. The Cher-Cruise hookup is rather bizarre, but more bizarre is that she was the Oscar winner in that couple.

—Rosie O’Donnell has denied that she was an alcoholic, instead explaining that she recently gave up drinking for health reasons. Anyone who sleeps with her is still presumed to have been drinking.

—And in WGA news, writers will meet with execs in New York and LA tomorrow. This could end the writer’s strike and bring back what everyone wants: more episodes of The Big Bang Theory!

Tuesday’s Top Ten

—Happy birthday to Hank Aaron, who turns 74 today. Aaron is second on the all-time MLB list for home runs, and first if you’re only counting the pre-chemical era. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1982.

—Today is Super Tuesday, or the ultimate showdown between McCain and Romney on the right and Obama and Clinton on the left. For the average citizen, it’s a great day to get behind a stranger who lusts for the presidency. Today is also Fat Tuesday in New Orleans — another great day to get behind a stranger, but for entirely different reasons.

—Wouldn’t it be silly if there was an awards show for Canadian musicians? Oh wait, there is! Head here to see this year’s nominations for the Juno Awards, which will be given out in early April. Avril Lavigne, Feist and Celine Dion lead the Canadian-born nominees, but the best category by far is for International Album of the Year: Bon Jovi, Rihanna, Fergie, Josh Groban and Timbaland will duke it out for that award. So they mean “international” in the same way as the House of Pancakes.

—In other Feist news, the indie songstress has won the Shortlist Music Prize, given to the best US release that sold less than 500,000 copies in 2007. She made it past the half-a-mill mark earlier this year and hopes to grab a couple of Grammies on Sunday.

—Former “You Drive Me Crazy” singer Britney Spears will be tested in the near future to see if she actually is, umm, insane. This may be bad news for Brit, as on her last test she got fully positive results.

—50 Cent has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton for president because he thinks Obama would get shot in office. But then Barack could have a rap career!

—Ashlee Simpson has emerged with “Rule Breaker,” yet another promotional track for Bittersweet World, her upcoming third CD. In it, Ash details her relationship with Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and repeatedly refers to herself as — you guessed it — a rule breaker. The most recent rule she broke: always release a good first single.

—Heidi Montag has also released a new single called “Higher.” It’s everything you expected and less.

—Pamela Anderson will spend Valentine’s Day performing at a famous nude revue in Paris, France. In her routine, she will strip naked on a Harley Davidson. How…romantic?

—And in endorsement news, Eminem might be the new spokesman for Slim Fast, as he gained some serious weight after a recent bout with pneumonia. Evidently, fat ain’t phat.