Train Derailed!

If any of you WHAP readers are familiar with Pat Monahan’s single “Her Eyes,” and you are not a pre-pubescent teenage girl with no taste, then you have probably realized that this single blows. I’m a big fan of Jason Bateman, and for this reason it is hard for me to hate Pat Monahan. Monahan looks a lot like Bateman, only it’s a cracked-out version of Bateman. Monahan is what Bateman would look like if he started doing meth in 1997. And speaking of meth, this is what Fergie would look like if she had never been addicted to the drug.

But back to Monahan. He gives me no reason to like him. You might remember him being the lead singer of Train. I’ll admit, when Train came out with “Meet Virginia,” in 1998, I liked the song. But the thing you don’t know about me, is that in 1998 I was a pre-pubescent thirteen year-old girl with no taste. “Meet Virginia” was a catchy little tune about a lonely, quirky, woman who wears high heels when she exercises (ain’t it beautiful?). Train followed up their self-titled 1998 album with “Drops of Jupiter,” in 2001. The title track from the album was a song that made as much sense as a David Lynch film. One of the lyrics, in all seriousness, is:

Since the return from her stay on the moon,
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey.

And hey, hey, I don’t know what the FUCK any of that means.

In 2007, Monahan released his single “Her Eyes.” The song is a bunch of random details about the girl he is in love with…hmmm…sounds strangely familiar. The opening and closing lyric of the song is:

She’s not afraid, she just likes to use a night light.

This is a very dumb line. Why does she use the night light? Because she is not scared? Personally, I think she uses it because she is scared Jason Bateman’s ogre twin is going to crawl out from underneath her bed.

Seconds later, Monahan sings:

She’s a little bit manic, completely organic
Doesn’t panic for the most part.

I ran manic through a thesaurus online. The resulting words were: berserk, crazed, demented, deranged, excited, flipped, flipped out, freaked out, freaky, frenzied, high, hopped up, insane, lunatic, mad, maniacal, nutty, overexcited, psychotic, rabid, raving, turned out, unbalanced, up, wild. So it makes perfect sense that she wouldn’t be one to panic.

The next line is probably Monahan’s best.

She’s old enough to know,
and young enough not say no.

By best, I mean clever. And other than being clever, this lyric is incredibly creepy, perverse, and evil. People go to jail for acting on thoughts like this.

The chorus sings:

Her eyes, that’s where hope lies.
That’s where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that’s where I go
When I go home.

Quick! Someone call the cliché police!

He continues:

Tells me that she lives about a hundred lives,
Scares me to death when she thinks and drives,
Says cowboy hats make her look fat,
and I’m so glad she’s mine.

Scares me to death when she thinks and drives! I can see Monahan thinking this line is soooo clever. I picture him writing this song with a quill on a table surrounded by candles. He is wearing a turtleneck sweater. After writing this line, he smiles stupidly to himself, gets up from the table, lies down on his bear-skin rug and looks in the mirror. He mouths to his reflection, “Monahan, you are a sexy bitch!” and strokes the rug. I’d write more, but I’m going to go will myself to have an aneurysm.

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One Response to Train Derailed!

  1. Jamie says:

    I think that Pat looks like Jason Bateman, too. I searched the web for validation and found it in your funny-a**ed post. Thanks for a good laugh.

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