The WHAP Wrap: This Week’s Winners and Losers

It’s Sunday, the day for God and football. (Expect some Hail Maries.) But today is also home to The WHAP Wrap, a roundup of the best and worst from the last seven days. Check out this week’s cheers and jeers below.

THE WINNERS

(3) Male tennis fans everywhere. First, my apologies: this is the second time in two weeks that tennis has made its way into the WHAP Wrap. But Friday night was the Australian Open Women’s Championship, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the most arousing final in Grand Slam history. Usually, women’s tennis is full of enough grunts to make the guy in the next room think you’re watching porn — a cruel stereotype. This year’s Aussie final, meanwhile, was a battle of two twenty year-olds: Maria Sharapova and Ana Ivanovic. You might not know these names, so to put it in perspective, it’s her versus her. Sweating, moaning and running around in tight-fitting outfits for two straight hours. So you’re pretty much, um, watching porn.

(2) The Great American Taxpayer. Unless you’re in the mob, you got six hundred great reasons to smile this week. On Thursday, Congress announced a national tax rebate that will give $600 to many of this country’s taxpayers in May. Better yet, President Bush wants you to spend that cash immediately as to reinvigorate America’s haggard economy. Great ways to do that: blowing it all on hamburger phones, buying Spice Girls tickets, or the always-reliable crack binge.

(1) There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men. Outside of wins for Daniel Day-Lewis and Javier Bardem, these two flicks were more or less ignored at the 2008 Golden Globes. (But then again, so were the 2008 Golden Globes.) This week, however, the two films rebounded in style with sixteen Oscar nominations between them — eight apiece. At next month’s Academies, they’ll face off in six total categories and lead us to declare an ultimate victor. Until then, they both share the glory of the noms.

THE LOSERS

(3) The Moment of Truth. Okay, the numbers are against me on this one. 23 million people watched this Wednesday’s episode of The Moment of Truth, FOX’s new game show that offers $500,000 to anyone willing to tell the truth on national TV. That’s the highest-rated debut on television in more than a year, but I’ve got beef with how dreadfully boring the show was. Over the course of an hour, the show’s deepest secret was about some guy who padded his underwear to look well-endowed. Yawn. Other questions were similarly tame:

    Have you ever considered you might be addicted to gambling?
    No, and I’d put money on that.
    Have you ever peeked at another man’s privates while showering?
    Yes, if I wasn’t washing them.
    Have you ever had a sexual fantasy while attending mass?
    No, I’m not a priest.

Seriously, FOX. I want on-air divorces and Springer-style throw downs from The Moment of Truth. Not some asshole with Kleenex in his jock.

(2) Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich. The 2008 presidential race had its first two casualties this week, as Fred Thompson dropped out of the Republican primaries and Dennis Kucinich out of the Democratic primaries. Thompson’s drop means that he might return to new episodes of Law & Order — a forum better suited for his slow speech, wavering policy views, and inability to show up for anything until the last five minutes. And among other things, Kucinich leaving the nominee field means that the hottest potential first lady left in the race is Bill Clinton.

(1) Adnan Ghalib. Ghalib’s recent hookup with Britney Spears seems a match made in heaven: he probably has trouble getting onto airplanes; she has trouble getting out of cars. But regardless of whether it’s true love or not, Ghalib — an ex-paparazzo who met Spears in a Quiznos bathroom — took a beating in the media this week. For some reason, he decided to give an exclusive interview to E!, during which he was asked whether he would say yes to marrying Spears. “Would anybody say no?” he responded. I’d attempt my own joke here, but the best one came from The Soup’s Joel McHale: “Actually, most would say, ‘Aw, hell naw!’”

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3 Responses to The WHAP Wrap: This Week’s Winners and Losers

  1. Taylor Blue says:

    I missed that Moment of Truth Show somehow…

  2. Jon says:

    Don’t worry, Taylor. You didn’t miss much. It’s pretty much “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?,” except that for all the contestants, the answer to that question is “No.”

  3. Brett says:

    Do you have to sign a pre-nup before marrying Britney?

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