Thursday’s Top Ten

—Happy birthday to Ellen Page, who turns 21 today. We hope she gets blasted and makes some terrible decisions — though none involving Jason Bateman.

—Aretha Franklin has been voted “Worst Dressed” by PETA for her flagrant disregard of animal welfare. Her biggest offenses include the Grammy outfit seen here — which PETA calls a “vulgar fur.” More surprising: Aretha ate that entire bear.

—NBC’s Bionic Woman has been cancelled in just its first season. Bionic Woman’s kryptonite, evidently, is ratings.

—Playboy Magazine (great articles) is set to launch the Playboy Energy Drink, meant to compete with Red Bull and Monster and all the other liquids that exponentially decrease your chance of living past 50. Initial reports say the drink will help you stay up longer, though we’re not sure if that means “awake.”

—Jesse L. Martin (Law & Order, Rent) is leaving Law & Order to pursue bigger and better things — including a part as Marvin Gaye in the upcoming Sexual Healing. His replacement will be Anthony Anderson (really?), who in past roles as a detective has proved remarkably incapable at tracking even a kangaroo.

—On Tuesday’s The View, Whoopi Goldberg asked New York Giant Amani Toomer what it was like to make that “helmet catch” during the Super Bowl. Yeah, Whoop, that was David Tyree. Toomer then asked Whoopi what it was like to star on The Addams Family — but that was Cousin It.

—Spencer and Heidi of The Hills are set to release a video game around Christmas 2009. It will be rated “N” for No One.

—Tina Fey hosts the first post-strike episode of SNL this weekend. Expect a show three times as long as 30 Rock with one-third as many laughs.

—Mariah Carey has leaked the first single off her album That Chick. It’s called “Touch My Body.”

—And in politics, John McCain might have carried on an adulterous affair for years with a female lobbyist more than thirty years his junior. This surprises us here at WHAP, but it does explain McCain’s brand new campaign slogan: “Touch My Body.”