Bryan’s Diatribes Against Pop Culture: Mariah, v. 2008

I was flying home from vacation on Saturday, via AirTran — an underrated little airline (good people, not much in way of amenities, but on time both ways) — and hooked into AirTran’s one special gift to their customers: XM Radio access for the entirety of the flight. So, being a good pop culture writer like I am — who am I kidding, I’m a horrible pop culture blogger, much less writer — I turned to XM Radio’s “Top 20 on 20”, which, while a good station for a 15-minute car ride, is not great for a 3-hour flight, in which Miley Cyrus’ friend tells her that “She’s just being Miley” about 27 times.

But not even Miley’s hit could get on my nerves as much as XM Radio’s, and perhaps iTunes and Billboard’s but I’m far too lazy to look (horrible pop culture blogger, check), Mariah Carey’s new hit, “Touch My Body”. Now, as much as any heterosexual, early twenties male can be, I actually like Mariah. She has pipes, she has a body, and well, she has pipes and a body. And hey, if you can’t listen to “Hero” as a guilty pleasure, you’re just not being honest with yourself.

“Touch My Body” is, though, an abomination of music. I normally don’t make much fuss about music, because it’s an industry for a whole that I rarely understand. I like rap so I don’t bitch about that like half of the world’s population, but for the most part, I believe the Top 40 has become a place for the lowest common denominator, and “Touch My Body” is almost certainly Lowest Common Mariah. It is, if nothing else, Mariah attempting to prove that she can hang with the newer, hotter versions of herself. It’s a song we could excuse Rihanna for, but Mariah post-psychotic behavior is a more difficult pill to swallow.

Mariah Trying to Be Hip, Example 1: “If there’s a camera up in here / Then I’d best not catch this flick / On YouTube (YouTube)”. I am also too lazy to look up if Mariah wrote this, but I’m guessing not, because I’m guessing she found out about YouTube about a month ago. She’s still watching that video of the bear falling out of the trampoline, I hear, and c’mon, that video is so YouTube Beta.

Mariah Trying to Be Hip, Example 2: “I know you got that fever for me / Hundred and two / And boy I know I feel the same / My temperature’s through the roof”. Um, what? The first part reminded me of my mother badgering me about the specifics of my fever in middle school as we debated whether or not I should go to school. And then Mariah attempts to bring the metaphor full circle by acknowledging her own fever? Lame.

But nothing beats, and I’m sure you’ve heard it by now:

“‘Cause if you run your mouth and brag / About this secret rendezvous / I will hunt you down”. If anything, this is certainly Mariah trying to be hip. I mean, tell me that lyric isn’t the result of Mariah watching Isla Fisher in “Wedding Crashers” (“‘Cause I’d find you…”). Now Isla’s still, in 2008, cute and sane and I would like to touch her body, so her laughing sadistically about stalking me would be OK. Mariah, who is clinically insane, should hardly be allowed to talk about hunting people down without heading back to therapy.

And we should hardly have to be subjected to it.

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4 Responses to Bryan’s Diatribes Against Pop Culture: Mariah, v. 2008

  1. Jon says:

    Can’t wait ’til Mariah guests on Idol (which she’s scheduled to do) and everything you hate about pop culture unites…

  2. Brett says:

    You have no idea how much I hate that song.

  3. Jon says:

    (and it’s funny that you mention rihanna cause the “umbrella” people wrote this song)

  4. […] Music of Mariah Despite having her critics, Mariah Carey is the best-selling female artist of all time. Her voice — spanning five […]

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